I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
