Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
