As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
