I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
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