Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
