god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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