There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
