If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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