Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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