Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
