how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
