I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
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