once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
