i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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