I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
