I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I accidentally burped into my bong.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
