I'm going to jail i love you
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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