Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
