The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
