he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
