hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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