i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Randomize
