Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
