he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
