Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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