literally had 100 drinks last night.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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