I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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