If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
We just shotgunned beers for America
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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