1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
