He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
