does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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