Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
