Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
