At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Randomize
