I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
