ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Randomize
