I will die if light touches me.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
