I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
