Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
