Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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