Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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