Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I accidentally had phone sex last night
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Randomize
