I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
