I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Thank you for not boning my boss.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
