You're a womanizer and a bitch.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
