I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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