How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
