I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I know her cup size but not her name....
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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