I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
