remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
