I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
