K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
