I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
