One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
