9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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