I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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