You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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